Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
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“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few