People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
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About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Hard not to take this personally
stop
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂