me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
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(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I already tried new things thanks.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
this is uni
japanese corn
i meant to share this earlier
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I had to Stop for this
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.