me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
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What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
what’s really going on
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”