me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
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If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Do not steal food from the science building!
Only short people can save us
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
are there any atheist mantises?
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.