A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
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You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
🍞🦆
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?