In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
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I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
some things should go without saying
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*