It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
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I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank