I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
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The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.