Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
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The prophecy is fulfilled
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I love twitter
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.