“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
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oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
#milo
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
crazy
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
welcome back
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.