Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
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Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield