You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.