Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
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I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Lol #dogsoftwitter
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida