Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
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*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.