I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
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Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend