me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
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my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “