(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
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me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”