Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
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Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”