If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
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Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels