Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
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[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
something like this could probably happen to anyone
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂