[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
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(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Saturday
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
NASA has no chill
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen