Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
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Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.