My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
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Plumber: I think I found the problem
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I have never related to anyone more.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.