Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
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Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
love pickles so much i put myself in one
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.