When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
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[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning