I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
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Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
the battle rages on
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
nyc:
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?