Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
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I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
this is so top tier i cant
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha