I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
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I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Encore…
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
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I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M