Wait a minute…
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relationship goals
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?