Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
You Might Also Like
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat