From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Me buying fruit and veg
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.