My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
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Imagine having a party on purpose.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Does beer think about me too?
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.