My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
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ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”