I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
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ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
oh shit
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap