A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
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When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
There is no “we” in chocolate.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out