My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
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Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*