STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius![]()
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Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.