Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
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*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself