It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
TODAY
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.