Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
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6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
awkward
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.