Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
You Might Also Like
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.