WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
They grow up so quick
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.