Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
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So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring