Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
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Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.