giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
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No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
So the ex texted me
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Good Morning.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
SF is the wild wild west man
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.