[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
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someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I am also baked goods
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
WHY?!
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..