7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
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I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.