My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
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Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.