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No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins